Jun 6 17

Park Hound – Green Park

Jack Cutforth

Green Park is probably a hot contender for Most Unimaginatively Named Thing in London, but it’s probably not going to win Best Park for Drinking in the Sun.

Green Park sits awkwardly between Hyde and St James’ Parks, and only exists because Charles II wanted to walk from one to the other without having to leave a royal park, going to admirable lengths to avoid the general public at all costs and proving that kings were the original ballers.

There are a few advantages – it’s very central so it’s a good option if you’re sightseeing and suddenly notice that Britain’s 30 minutes of annual sunlight has started and you need to dive into the nearest park. There are some decent pubs nearby, and the tube station is on the Jubilee and Victoria lines so it’s easy to get to.

Unfortunately, as well as being central, it’s also pretty small, which means you might be sitting on someone’s lap. Alternatively, you can hire a deckchair if you enjoy paying money for the privilege of looking like a twat.

A big downside of the central London parks is that you can turn up hoping to buy a few cans nearby only to find there aren’t any off licences nearby because they’ve all been turned into Faberge Egg polishers or whatever it is rich people spend their money on instead of taxes. Green Park does at least have an M&S Food Hall at the station. They’re doing a roaring trade in prosecco, because the sound of corks popping is like a never ending, very middle class artillery barrage WATCH OUT HERE COMES A SUPER SUBTLE SEGUE and speaking or artillery, they also do royal gun salutes in the park on special occasions HOLY SHIT DID YOU GET A LOAD OF THAT SILKY SMOOTH TRANSITION FROM HUMOUR TO INFORMATION GET THESE GUYS A PULITZER.

There are better parks, and not very far – you’ll have more space in Hyde Park, and St James’ has a lake (not to mention pelicans). But it’s probably the easiest park in London to get to, so it might do the trick if you’re feeling lazy.

Pros: Super convenient, sometimes has cannons, accurate name
Cons: Pretty small, super busy