Jul 2 16

GUEST REVIEW: Michael Gove reviews The French House, Soho

Jack Cutforth

Visited: Thursday 23 June 2016 by Michael Gove

The French House

The guys running this website have been to a lot of pubs. You might even say they’re experts. But who wants to listen to experts when you can listen to whatever furthers the agenda of me, Michael Gove? I was a journalist, you know. Some people say that encouraging anti-intellectualism is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible because it makes it easier for populist demagogues to rise to power. But guess what? The people who say that are experts and egg heads, so why should we listen to them?

Now I don’t know anything about pubs, but my wife told me to give it my stubborn best and maybe if I do a good job she’ll stop writing in national newspapers about how it’s a chore to have sex with me. How could it possibly be boring to have sex with me, Michael Gove? I used to be a journalist, for God’s sake.

As we all know the most important thing in the world is sovereignty. So, is there much sovereignty in the French House? Well, you can order any drink you like BUT you can only choose from the beers which they are selling. In other words, you can’t have exactly what you want. Fancy a nice pint of British Carling? Sorry, the UNELECTED bureaucrats running the pub have already decided that they won’t sell Carling. I don’t remember them asking us before they made that decision. Disgusting.

Upon paying for my half pint, I was aghast to discover that it was up to the bar staff how much change I receive. And are these bar staff elected? That’s right, friends, they are not. I was literally staggered that I was not able to pay whatever I wanted and take whatever I wanted, just because some unelected pen-pusher said so. When I told the surly chap behind the bar that I would have donated that £20 to my local hospital, he simply said: “what £20? You only gave me a tenner”. But I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

There’s only one sensible response when your Great British Sovereignty (Great BS) is threatened like this. I stormed out of the pub, making sure to set fire to the place on the way out so no one else’s sovereignty could be violated as mine has. Granted, I did leave my wallet in there, which had all my bank cards in it, meaning I’m now completely broke. And yes, perhaps that fire did look like it was spreading to all the nearby buildings and maybe that will have some negative consequences at some point in the future. But guess what? I had my sovereignty. And my integri…actually never mind, let’s focus on the sovereignty.


Ok so I just flagged down a bus by pushing my good friend Boris under it and it turns out bus drivers don’t accept sovereignty. Neither do any of the restaurants around here. I’m hungry and cold. Is it possible I’ve made an error of judgment here? No, definitely not. Not Michael Gove. I used to be a journalist, you know.